Fighting Back
by TheHunter747
Summary: When Dolores Umbridge takes over Hogwarts, the students - and even some of the staff - aren't going to take it lying down. A prank war of epic proportions ensues, but who will be left standing at the end? AU from the end of fourth year, Cedric is alive.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I got bored, then I saw Umbridge dangling from the roof in my head, and...yeah. This story sort of mutated out of that one image. All my stories seem to be too heavy, so this will just be a lighthearted, no consequences AU. Assume that some quirk of magic killed Voldemort over the summer, but Dumbledore doesn't know that. Voldemort is not a big part of this story, though I reserve the right to retcon that statement at any time for the purposes of humour. The prompt/idea the chapter is based around will be at the end of the chapter, and I don't own anything from this franchise. Have fun!

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"What's everyone standing around for?"

"Dunno, but they're blocking the way to the food."

"Oh, honestly, Ronald, is food all you ever think about?"

"No, Hermione, he thinks about other things sometimes."

"Oh, of course, how could I forget about Quidditch and chess, Harry."

The Golden Trio, as they were referred to by the students, were once again arguing. To be fair to them, they didn't have much else to do, since the Ministry of Magic had sacked Dumbledore and were currently trying to catch him so they could arrest him for treason, leaving an odious, toad-like woman by the name of Dolores Umbridge in charge of the school. Umbridge had, from day one, made it clear that she hated anyone who didn't believe the sun rose and set purely because Cornelius Fudge willed it to do so. Which basically meant the entire school, since nearly everyone, even some of the Slytherins, agreed that Fudge was the most incompetent man they had ever met.

Harry had heard more jokes about Fudge this year than in any previous year, purely based around the fact that Britain's government had started to go to hell the minute Fudge stopped taking Dumbledore's advice. But the waves of laughter emanating from the Great Hall, combined with the fact that even mild-mannered Professor Sprout was having a hard time keeping a straight face, convinced Harry that whatever was in that room was more important than his argument with his friends. Squeezing his way through the crowd, Harry finally made it to the entrance of the Great Hall, and immediately cracked up laughing. On either side of him, Ron and Hermione were doing the same.

Suspended from the roof of the Great Hall, in a black and grey Santa suit, was the new Headmistress Dolores Umbridge, who was currently waving her stubby arms frantically in an attempt to get down. She had been suspended from the ceiling by a harness that forced her wrists and ankles together, and a ball gag had been shoved into her mouth to keep her from calling for help. A sign placed aound her neck read; _'I've been a bad girl.'_

Harry couldn't move or speak for laughter, but he wasn't the only one. This prank - whoever had pulled it this time - had the potential to beat even the one from last week involving trout, waffles, and partial human transfiguration. Or even the one from when Umbridge was announced as the new Headmistress on September 1st.

Minerva McGonagall chose that exact moment to walk into the hall, took one look at the Headmistress, and quirked an eyebrow, before turning away and herding the students out of the hall. The last thing she said before leaving was;

"Really, Dolores, if you must do that, at least do it where the children can't see."

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A/N: So, it's probably kind of short at the moment. But hopefully it was funny. Please review, and thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Hello, all! More Umbridge torture, yay! Thanks for the reviews I've had so far, now here's the next chapter! (Disclaimer is in chapter 1.)

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Dolores Umbridge was having a good day. She had woken up, and greeted all one hundred and thirteen of her personal collection of kitten plates personally, before managing to have a shower, before pulling on a brand new robe, with a badge that said 'Headmistress' pinned to the front. It was September 2nd, and despite the...rather potent flatulence based prank pulled on her at the introductory speech last night, she was sure that with very little effort, Hogwarts would soon be dancing to her tune. And once that was done, and she was seen as the woman who revolutionized magical education in Britain? Well, then she would start putting herself into position to eventually take over from Cornelius. Really, the man was lovely, but she was not one to be satisfied with second best in anything.

Exiting her office, she noticed that the hallway had been buffed to such a shine that she could see her own face in it - and what a beautiful face it was, she thought to herself, smiling back at her reflection, before carrying on, not noticing how the stone cracked, or the slight, incredibly faint, wail of horror that the stone emitted. Entering the Great Hall, she smiled out at all the students gathered before her.

"AHH! MY EYES! I'M BLIND!"

"Mr Jordan! Detention! For deliberately poking fun at a member of Hogwarts staff."

Her feathers well and truly ruffled, Dolores decided that it was just a one-off incident, and was determined to enjoy her day. Continuing towards the staff table, she heard one of the new first years asking a question of one of the older students.

"Excuse me, Mr Weasley, but why is the cutlery shaking and bouncing?"

"Well, kiddo, it's because every time Dolores Umbridge takes a step, an earthquake starts nearby."

"Mr Weasley! Detention for you, too!"

"Yes! Pay up, George!"

"Damn it..."

By now, Dolores was wondering whether or not she should just have breakfast in her office. But she was stubborn - and not very intelligent - and so she continued on her way. Finally reaching the staff table, she sat down in the large golden throne reserved for the current Headmaster/Headmistress, and -

"PPPPRRRRBBBBBTTTTT!"

Dolores' face went crimson as every eye in the hall turned to her, and she could even see some of the muggleborn students - uncultured little ruffians and hoodlums, the lot of them - holding their noses and waving their hands in front of their faces. Professor Flitwick - half breed scum, he'd be one of the first to go - leaned over to her.

"Perhaps you should lay off the beans today, Dolores? Just a suggestion."

Ooh, she had never been so humiliated in all her life! And she knew, just knew, that the bloody Potter brat was responsible somehow. Still, she had the brat in her class today. She'd put him in detention for something, and then, well, she'd brought her grandfather's 'special' quill with her. A few thousand lines with that should soon sort the boy out! Pulling the whoopee cushion out from under her seat, she Vanished the offending object, making a mental note to ban them as soon as possible. And if they were already banned, she would find whoever was responsible - preferably Potter - and see to it he was expelled.

* * *

She had made it through to this point without any more pranks being played on her, and now was the class she was looking forward to the most. Fifth year, Gryffindor/Slytherin. Potter's class. She resisted the urge to rub her hands together and cackle with glee. After all, her cousins had done that all the time, and look where it got them. One crushed under a house, and the other melted by some Muggle bint from Kansas with a pail of water. Though how that happened, she really didn't know.

The class filed in, taking their seats and taking out books, parchment, quill, ink and their wands. "Wands away, children. This will be a purely theoretical course."

Granger, Potter's mudblood friend, spoke up. "But how is theory supposed to prepare us for what's out there?"

"My dear girl, there is no one out there. Who can you imagine would possibly want to hurt you?"

Potter spoke up. Dolores felt like crowing - she had the snot-nosed little bastard now! Then she heard what he was saying, and her face scrunched up in confusion. "Well, for one thing, random magical creatures. What if a Lethifold were to attack, and we didn't know how to defend ourselves? It would be your fault we were dead. And what about that new Dark wizard who has been gaining power in Ireland, and is attacking small villages using Inferi? Of course, there's also the possibility that one of our neighbouring countries will declare war on us, in which case we might be drafted to the army. Would you really want to be subjugated by another nation, simply because you didn't teach us how to properly defend ourselves? I hear New Zealand's Ministry of Magic has been quite eager to get a foothold in Britain for some time."

Dolores paled rapidly. What had she done? She hadn't even considered that possibility when she had suggested sabotaging the student's DADA class to Cornelius. And it was true, the ambassador from New Zealand had been buying quite a lot of land in Britain. What if they did invade? She had to warn Cornelius, and quickly, before those filthy New Zealanders invaded her country.

"Class dismissed! Read chapters one to five for our next lesson!"

She rushed off into her office, flooing to the Ministry and rushing to Cornelius' office as quickly as she could.

* * *

Dolores Umbridge was having a bad day. First, the jokes told about her weight and appearance at breakfast. Then, the whoopee cushion on her chair. Next, that insufferable little brat, Potter, had caused her to look like a fool in front of Cornelius when she had barged into his office, yelling at him about the New Zealanders invading Britain, only to realize moments later that the ambassador from the New Zealand Ministry was sitting in a meeting with Cornelius, discussing the plans for a magical holiday park in Britain - the very same reason he had been buying so much land. Both Cornelius and the ambassador had laughed till they cried when she explained why she was there, before telling her not to believe everything she heard from fifteen year olds.

She had finally made it back to the school, just in time for dinner, and she sat down - fortunately no whoopee cushions went off this time - to eat her food, only to see...well, it was disgusting. Everywhere she looked, the food was rotted and slimy, and it smelled as though it had been left in the sun for a month. Even the pumpkin juice and tea had fuzzy green stuff floating in it. Looking down the table, she saw Minerva spooning something purple and spiny into her mouth, and Trelawney was eagerly eating what looked to have once been spaghetti bolognese. Now, though, it resembled a shag pile rug with olive paint splashed on it. Looking back at the students, she noticed that they, too, were eating the disgutingly rotted food. Looking at the dishes in front of her, she saw something moving and alive, and that was the final straw.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Silence fell in the Great Hall, as every pair of eyes turned to stare at their Headmistress. One pair of eyes looked slightly smugger than usual, but no one noticed. The woman stood up and fled from the hall, screaming about mouldy food and the sick freaks of nature who were eating it. Cheers and laughter followed her down the hallway, as she fled in terror, halfway to a nervous breakdown on her first day as Headmistress. No bloody wonder Dumbledore was so insane, if he'd been doing this job for fifty years!

Slamming the door to her office shut behind her, she hit it with every locking spell known to man, and some known to vaguely intelligent species of chimpanzee, before turning to look at her kitten plates, hoping to calm herself down.

It didn't work.

Every single plate had been stolen, replaced with a rectangular piece of cardboard with a picture of a cloud bursting open on them. On her desk sat the ugliest statue she had ever seen - a bulldog, with cream fur covered in occasional tan patches here and there, and a hideously tacky black collar. Dolores' scream could be heard from Hogsmeade, and many of the villages looked towards the Shrieking Shack in fear.

* * *

Two floors away, two redheads and a black-haired boy were sniggering to themselves as they heard the screams from Umbridge's office.

"Nice one, Harry. You think she'll figure it out?"

"Fred, George, that would require intelligence. Not something she has, or ever will have, yeah?"

"True, true. Well, you truly are worthy of entering into the hallowed ranks of the Marauders, young Harry."

"Then I shall solemnly swear never to be up to good of any kind, Messrs Trick and Treat."

"Welcome, brother Marauder."

"Now, first things first, let's get pissed out of our minds, and then tomorrow, we wage prank war on our new Headmistress. What say you, brothers?"

"Aye!" "Aye!"

"Then let's drink!"

In the afterlife, James Potter laughed himself to tears, while Lily pursed her lips, desperately trying not to smile, no matter how much she wanted to. Finally, she gave up the battle as a lost cause, and allowed herself to sit with her schoolfriends and giggle at her son's antics.

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A/N: Chapter two is done, and I think it's better than chapter one. But what do you think? Did it make you smile? Laugh? Leave a review, and let me know! Thanks for reading!

Prompts/ideas used:

Students make jokes about Umbridge's appearance/weight.

Someone places a whoopee cushion on Umbridge's seat.

Harry tricks Umbridge into making a fool of herself in front of the Minister for Magic.

A spell makes all the food and drink appear mouldy to Umbridge.

Someone steals Umbridge's kitten plates.

Fred/George/Harry form a new group of Marauders.


	3. Chapter 3

"AAAAAAAAAGH!"

The by-now-familiar shrieks of Dolores Jane Umbridge once again filled the halls of Hogwarts, setting off a round of giggles and snickers as the students in the Great Hall waited eagerly to see just what prank had been pulled on their 'glorious' Headmistress this time. They didn't have to wait long, either, as the pink-covered abomination raced through the doors, slamming them shut behind her as quickly as she could, before fleeing towards the staff table and cowering behind the throne she usually sat on. Minerva McGonagall, having been both the Marauders' and the Weasley twins' Head of House, took this in stride, leaning over and asking what had happened this time.

"Monsters! In my private chambers, Minerva!"

Minerva could have sworn she heard Filius Flitwick mutter something about catching sight of her own reflection, but when she turned to look at him, the man was the picture of innocence. "I see. And what did these 'monsters' look like, Dolores?"

"Giant multicoloured bears! Made of some kind of hard jelly!" Now that was stretching the limits of even her incredulity. The students no longer bothered to hide their laughter, instead openly howling with it. From her position, she saw both Harry Potter and Ron Weasley doubled up and rolling around on the floor, tears streaming down their faces. She herself was having a hard time keeping a straight face as it was.

The first years were starting to have trouble breathing, and even Hermione Granger had an odd combination of a smirk and a frown on her face. Until the doors to the hall were battered by something. Loud banging sounds came from the door, as though something was trying to batter them down. The students nearest the doors started trying to edge away from them as subtly as possible. Another bang erupted from the doors, several cracks appearing in the doors. The students didn't bother trying to hide their actions; they were openly standing and moving as far from the doors as possible. Dolores cowered in terror every time the doors banged.

Motioning with one hand, Minerva rallied the other teachers, slipping her wand into her hand as she did so. The...things, outside the hall, banged on the door again, and then with an enormous booming sound, the doors exploded inwards. Fortunately, the older students had cast shields over the younger ones, though Minerva was pleased to see some of her younger Gryffindors, the ones she knew for a fact were part of Mr Potter's 'Defense study club', were also casting shields. But it was the creatures standing in the doorway that caught her attention most of all. Apparently Dolores had been right, and there were giant multicoloured bears invading Hogwarts. The big red bear at the front opened it's mouth, and what it said made Minerva want to just throw away all pretenses and laugh along with the students.

"Hi! We're the Care Bears, and you need a BIG hug, Dolores Umbridge!"

The giant bears advanced through the hall, ignoring the students around them as they tried to get to a shrieking Madame Umbridge, who seemed to be trying to dig a tunnel underneath the Great Hall with her bare hands. Spells flew from the teachers wands, blasting the bears apart, only for the original bear to regenerate itself, and more bears to grow out of the parts that were blasted off. Suddenly, they all stopped. The leader, as Minerva though of the red one, turned and looked at Severus Snape.

"You need a hug too, Severus Snape. A REALLY BIG HUG!"

The bears started their advance again, splitting into two groups. One group surrounded the Headmistress and started hugging her, while despite his valiant efforts, Severus Snape was overrun by the second group, and quickly found himself being hugged by giant gummy bears. Filius had given up on even pretending to help out, and was instead recording the entire scene using a memory orb, a new invention that had been brought out by the Weasley twins. The boys were selling them hand over fist, and Minerva would normally have been suspicious that they had something to do with this. If she hadn't had them in detention all day yesterday, that is. Honestly, though? She just didn't care who had pulled this prank - she was just happy she got a good use for her own memory orb that she bought two days previous.

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A/N: Don't ask. Really, you don't want to know how I thought this up. All I'll say is, it came to me in a dream, and the plot bunny wouldn't die. Hope you all enjoyed, and please review!


	4. Chapter 4

For the past two weeks, all had been relatively quiet. Sure, giant, animated gummy bears still wandered the halls, hugging any student they found who wasn't happy - which for some reason included nearly every Slytherin on an hourly basis, but when one considered everything that normally happened at Hogwarts, that was nothing to write home about. Nothing that any of the teachers had done made any difference to the rainbow coloured bears that stalked around the school, and the Headmistress had even at one point brought in an Unspeakable, who had promptly been hugged by the red bear that had declared itself leader of it's gelatinous brethren.

In a caved in passageway, hidden behind a mirror on the fourth floor, next to the hospital wing, two redheads and a black haired teen sat around a table, open bottles of Butterbeer sitting before them as they toasted their latest success.

"So what now, guys?"

"Dear brother, surely you can't have run out of ideas already? We've only just begun to cause chaos!"

"I know, George, but how do we top giant, animated gummy bears that hug people?"

"Good question, Fred. Hmm."

Silence reigned for a while, until the shortest of the three sat up in his chair. "To hell with it, why don't we just flood her office with something?"

"Flooding her office is fine, but not really original, Harry."

"Yeah, not really our caliber, know what I mean?"

"So use something that isn't water. Flood it with vinegar, or hot sauce, or something like that!"

The two redheads turned to each other, seeming to hold a conversation with one another without words - or, indeed, sounds of any kind. Finally, the two seemed to come to a consensus. "Good idea, Harrikins. Now, what do we use?"

* * *

For the...well, by this point in the year, everyone had lost count of how many times it had happened, but Umbridge was screaming again. The first years - who had greatly enjoyed the 'Care Bear Invasion', as it would become known - started bouncing in their seats, eager to see just what sort of mayhem would happen this time. The staff were looking nervous, as whatever was happening was causing the walls to shake, and the other students - with the exception of the Slytherins, who were hiding under their table - simply sat back and continued eating, taking the approach of, 'if we ignore it, it won't hurt us'. The doors to the Great Hall were blasted off their hinges, landing halfway across the hall, and an avalanche of Bertie Botts' Every Flavour Beans poured into the Great Hall, one stubby-fingered hand just barely visible at the front of the pile of sweets. The Slytherin table quickly became covered in the beans, as did every other house table, and the trapped students immediately began trying to tunnel their way out, with very limited success.

Members of Umbridge's newly formed 'Inquisitorial Squad' had it worst, as every time they made even the slightest bit of proggress, their tunnels would suddenly collapse, trapping them once more. The other Slytherins, who were determined not to be tarred with the same brush as the toad and her toadies, simply freed themselves, then headed for the staff table, the only part of the hall which had escaped the mayhem.

Surveying the madness and anarchy that reigned in the Great Hall of Hogwarts, Minerva McGonagall once again sighed and wrung her hands.

"Classes are cancelled while we sort this mess out. Go back to your Common Rooms, please. Slytherins, from what I can see, your Common Room will be uninhabitable for quite some time, so please go to the library instead."

Turning to Filius, Minerva asked who he thought would have the ability to do all this.

"Mr Potter. Working with the Weasley twins. No doubt in my mind about that, Minerva."

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A/N: Another chapter, because I was bored and needed to be cheered up. A spot of Umbridge torture always brightens everyone's day, doesn't it? In case you recognize the prank, yes, it is from the hidden cutscene at the end of the first Harry Potter PC game. Just swapped Snape for Umbridge. Enjoy, and remember to review!


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